I once spent $85 on a bottle of something called ‘Testo-Max’ from a GNC in a strip mall because I was twenty-four and felt tired after work. I took it for three weeks. I didn’t get stronger, I didn’t get more ‘alpha,’ and I certainly didn’t feel better. All I got was a weird metallic taste in my mouth and heart palpitations that made me think I was having a stroke during a Tuesday morning Zoom call. It was a total scam. Most of this industry is just predatory garbage designed to exploit the fact that we’re all a little bit terrified of getting old or losing our edge.
The sunshine pill you’re probably missing
If you don’t take Vitamin D3, you’re basically asking to feel like a zombie. I used to think I was fine because I go outside, but then I got blood work done in 2022 and my levels were at 18 ng/mL. The doctor looked at me like I was a Victorian child with rickets. Now I take 5,000 IU every single morning with breakfast. It has to be with food, specifically fat, or you’re just flushing money down the toilet.
I have a massive bone to pick with AG1 (Athletic Greens). I know every podcaster on earth shills for them, but I refuse to buy it. It’s $100 a month for what is essentially expensive grass clippings and a massive marketing budget. What I mean is—actually, let me put it differently: it’s a convenience tax for people who are too lazy to swallow three separate pills. Buy a generic D3/K2 combo for $15. It lasts four months. Do the math.
Magnesium and the time I fell off a chair
Everyone talks about Magnesium for sleep, which is fine, but I take it so my muscles don’t turn into knots. Back in 2021, I was in a high-stakes quarterly review. I went to stand up to present a slide, and my left calf cramped so violently that my leg buckled and I literally fell off my chair in front of the VP of Operations. I had to pretend I tripped on a rug that wasn’t there. It was the most embarrassing moment of my professional life.
I started taking 400mg of Magnesium Glycinate that night. I haven’t had a ‘phantom trip’ since. I tracked my sleep for 22 nights using an Oura ring and saw my deep sleep average jump from 38 minutes to 64 minutes within the first week of consistent use. It’s the real deal. Don’t buy Magnesium Oxide, though. It’s cheap because it’s basically a laxative. Unless you want to spend your morning in the bathroom, stick to Glycinate or Malate.
The supplement industry is a secondary insurance policy you hope you never have to use, but most people treat it like a magic wand. It’s not.
Creatine isn’t just for the gym bros
Creatine Monohydrate is the most researched supplement in history, yet people still think it’s going to make their hair fall out or ruin their kidneys. It won’t. I take 5 grams every day. I don’t even lift heavy every day anymore, but I still take it because it makes my brain feel less like a browser with 40 tabs open. There’s some interesting data suggesting it helps with cognitive fatigue. Anyway, the point is that it’s dirt cheap. Or it used to be before the supply chain went to hell. I used to buy a kilogram for $20; now it’s $50, which is annoying but still worth it. Buy the plain white powder. Don’t buy the ‘buffered’ or ‘HCL’ versions that cost three times as much. They don’t work better. Total lie.
The part I might be wrong about
I know people will disagree with me here, but I think multivitamins are a complete waste of time. I used to take a ‘Men’s One-a-Day’ for years. I stopped six months ago and felt zero difference. Taking a multivitamin is like throwing a bucket of paint at a wall and hoping some of it sticks to the trim. Your body can’t even absorb half that stuff when it’s all crammed into one pill. I’ve become a bit of a hater when it comes to ‘all-in-one’ solutions. I’d rather target the specific deficiencies I actually have instead of shotgunning 30 vitamins I’m already getting from my diet. I actively tell my friends to avoid Thorne, too. I know they’re ‘high quality,’ but they charge a 40% premium just for the fancy minimalist bottle design and the fact that they sponsor CrossFit athletes. I’m not paying for your branding.
Fish oil and the ‘burp’ factor
If you’re going to take fish oil, buy the expensive stuff or don’t bother. The cheap stuff is usually rancid. If you take a pill and burp up a taste that reminds you of a pier in New Jersey, throw the bottle away. I use Nordic Naturals. It’s the only one that doesn’t make me want to gag an hour after taking it. It’s good for your heart, your joints, and supposedly your mood, though I’m still waiting for it to make me less of a cynic.
That’s the whole list. D3, Magnesium, Creatine, and maybe some Fish Oil if you have the budget. Everything else is mostly noise.
I honestly don’t know if I’ll still be taking all of these in five years. Every time I think I have my ‘stack’ figured out, some new study comes out saying I’m actually poisoning myself or that I’m just making expensive urine. It’s exhausting trying to stay on top of it all while working a 9-to-5 and trying to be a semi-decent human being. But for now, this is what keeps me from falling off chairs in meetings. And honestly, that’s enough for me.